Today I Was Attacked By My Own shoes, and Other First World Problems.

Today started well. I got up late, and whilst frantically throwing on clothes that didn’t need ironing, I unexpectedly decided upon a fancy pair of shoes that  I had brought years ago, but had only recently been rediscovered whilst moving house. Abandoned and strewn carelessly at the back of my wardrobe, they seduced me away from my old reliable brown boots. In my excited haste I put these fabric treasures on my feet, fluffed my hair and arranged my music ( Cyndi Lauper and MIA coming into my ears) I then began my rush to the office. I was making good time and foolishly began feeling good about myself, hell yeah! floaty skit and heels, looking preeeetty darn good there shug. Suddenly  out of no where it began.  The heel carnage.

The vamparic shoes, in order to keep their brand new shoe like beauty, needed a sacrifice  and that fleshy gift had to be in their callus minds, the backs of my heels. 

The wankers. 

10 minutes away from work and neither half way up nor down, I had a choice to make. This choice I decided was work,and so on my tippy toes, critically balanced in a pair of navel wedges, I carefully hobbled to work using the mantra “it’s only pain”.

When I got to work bedraggled and battle scared, my co workers were amazing and provided plasters.


It was in the bathroom as I was cleaning my feet that I remembered why they had been at the back of the wardrobe in the first place. 

Thrown angrily and heartbroken one friday early morn as I hobbled in, numb from medicinal alcohol you understand ( no really, these shoes really are carnivorous) and swiftly forgotten about. Today they sort their revenge. 

The moral of this boring but mainly therapeutic blog post?

Just throw those fucking shoes away when you know they hurt no matter how pretty they are.


And now for a selection of the crazy ass things I found on the internet whilst I should of been sorting flat section.

Part one.

Seriously, am I witnessing a kitty rape? Should I call someone or is this like, you know, their “thang”?


Me to David, me too.





We all laugh now but we all know there is nothing more annoying then when a dildo over takes you.











Ok that’s enough internet for now people, let go to the bed, can the last one out turn the lights off please? 


Night, night BBz BP xX


I’m Alive ( I’d ask For Refunds on Those Hits you ordered!)

Hello world! Yes, I am back. After a few weeks of frantic box packing and panic cleaning leading to eventual giving up and just resorting to black bin bag stuffing, I am finally in my new flat.

SO what have I been up to? Not much really, just getting into my new job and trying not to get run over, all whilst trying my very best not to purchase shoes.

Which has reminded me of this little ditty…Oh Tragique the memories!

Anyway thus far, only splurged on the Matalan £5 shoe sale. Yes, I epically failed and  brought several pairs of “work” shoes (reasons for buying shoes excuse #1263 ) but it’s ok…more shoes for same price as pair of actual shoes I normally buy, can’t be bad, right?…gulp.

Have been proactive and set up the entertainment system, and by entertainment system, I mean my mutha fucking sega maga drive with original game pads and games.

Thats’s right, I just wrote that.

It’s amazing and tonight it is world of illusion. If you don’t know or know of it and want to your heart filled with childhood memories, watch this bad boy –

Epic gaming a hoy! More to come peeps but for now I have to bond with a few “why didn’t I bin that when I had the chance?” Boxes.

Night night! BP xX

I Only Dun Got Me A New House And Wifey!


After 3 weeks I finally have new place to call home. It felt like a long time coming but we’re finally there,whoot whoot!

The new place is a flat which I am sharing with the wonderful Beave, who I managed to press gang into moving in with me. Shes elated ( Honest)

Next on the list is the always joyful task of packing up my old flat.EEkk!

Which I am sure will go like all the other urgent things I have to do.

Rather than the organised pile of boxes I have been imagining. In other news the new job is going well, really liking it and I am getting to learn new stuff every day which is always good.  Can’t wait to actually be able to enjoy London. Thus far it’s been the metro, gumtree and spareroom experience!

Anyway I had better go and tackle the Everest that is my life in clutter.


One Love, Bbz, BP xX

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels Part Two, This Time It’s Personal.

Not too long ago I posted this image on my facebook-

The model above is,  according to the social media grape vine, a new design used by the Swedish H&M ,where they have several sizes throughout the store ranging from size 14 ( the average size of most women it turns out) and under. Hurrah! I hear many of you cry ( mainly the average percentage of women who at last are being represented in high street stores) but I kid you not, there is a big old “boo- urns” to this story also

As some areas of the media have decided to get all health conscious and state that “normalising” this size promotes obesity.

Just no. Shut the fuck up, pack up your desk and feel free to dramatically slam the door behind your ass, because I am about to RANT and it isn’t going to be purdy…not that it needs to be, as my rants are independent rants who dress to please no man or woman.

So you’re telling me that an average sized model in high street stores is going to make a bunch of women run to Maccys D’s or whatever fast food joint is nearest ( and has a chair lift) and happily stuff their faces with as much saturated fat as possible? All because suddenly the style of shop mannequins have magically caught up with what women in society would LIKE to see reflected on the highstreet, rather than what is forced upon them? Seriously, I am going to have to list, YES LIST some of  reasons why that point is one big cluster fuck.


1. Do you think women are that stupid? No really? Are you honestly being that patronising about how our multitasking brains work?! Do you think that we walk around wearing peepers on all day not looking at AVERAGE sized women on the street?! Think about it you stupid dumb asses. Seeing larger sized women in the flesh all day, every day doesn’t make women turn obese, so why the hell would a shop mannequin do so?

2. You are aware you have just offended the largest group of women in the world?The size 14 and above? Look dude, in this fight you’re on your own. In fact I am going to hand you over to the lynch mob myself.

3. What part of AVERAGE don’t y0u understand?…more people realise they can wear clothes, more people buy clothes. Therefore more money in the pockets of companies.

4. Sooooooo, based on that *ahem* for use of a better word “logic” you’re telling me that the larger sized models promote unhealthy lifestyles and the tenny tiny size 0 models aren’t in anyway, shape or form increasing the rates of anorexia, eating disorders and low self esteem among women?

As is the head of the negative media in this story! Pff

In summary- younglings, oldings and lady like things in between, please, please, PLEASE ignore this bullshit. We get bombarded every single day with images and taunting telling us that we are not good enough, but what they never tell us is- NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR WHAT!? I work in marketing not in Hollywood, why the hell do I need to be a size zero? Shouldn’t a stay at home mother be, you know, looking after her children rather than having a panic attack that someone may see her in the street not looking like model? I don’t know about you but I prefer my surgeons to be operating on me rather than using the apparatus to apply lipstick as *shock* they look unattractive in their human fluid smeared scrubs. Seriously, think about it..who are these people and why the FOOK do we think they are right? They are obviously thick as pigs shit and have nothing bigger to worry about in their lives. Sorry for the excessive swearing but I am that bloody angry when it comes to this.

I think Tina Fey says it best –

And on that depressing note, PREGNANT Kim Kardashian was recently criticised for looking fat this week in the media. Yes, that happened. Who does she think she is getting fat when shes with child? slacker.

Basically, can the last woman on the planet we call Earth please turn the lights off?  The rest of us are going back to Venus, as this is bullshit.

Rant over.

Here endeth the lesson.


Happy Bloody Easter!

Happy Easter BBz,

I hope you are all having a bloody great Easter stuffing ones face with Easter eggs and roast dinners, be it with the family or on your lonesome! My Easter can pretty much be summed by this –

43 Things British People Know To Be True


Seriously, I am not a shots gal anymore…ouch!

Thus  far the house hunt is going well and I have some viewings in some really nice places this week, which if nothing comes from it at least it is progress from the original search of  vile box room followed by vile box room…I have broadened my area search but tightened my requirements and it’s really working! Basically own bathroom, nice double…not more than 6 people in the trust me,  from experience it only goes horribly wrong when you have a lot of people using one kitchen. I don’t cope well with hunger. In fact Beave used to carry around an emergency snickers for times when hunger would strike, as I get that grumpy –

So I wouldn’t want to, you know, cause carnage because I couldn’t make a sandwich.  Hopefully by this time next week I will have great news about a new abode, until then I am just not going to worry about it. It will happen one way or another!

Am currently back in  Shrewsbury desperately trying to pack up my flat as I agreed to viewing on Tuesday…one problem…the bloody bank holiday, DRAT!..therefore can’t take things to tip..great! Not that my flat is a mess, it isn’t, but I wanted it to be perfect for my landlord so he got everything sorted asap. He’s  been bloody wicked with the move and everything and last thing I want is someone to turn up and see all my “unwanted” life laundry boxes in the flat. Oh well. To be fair I think everyone suffers from this affliction when trying to sort out their life with minimal time-

But it totally isn’t my fault this time ( honest)

The good news is I managed to get a cheap train ticket home…and first class too ..YES! Knowing my luck though the train will get cancelled or something but we will get there in the end.

Fingers crossed Peeps. Have a great day off tomorrow, I’m sure most of you will hangovers from hell!

Love love, BP Xx