Hurrah! BT “Infinity” My arse!

Doo, do, do! 

Well Hello there!

Tis I, BP, You remember me, right? Right!?! I used to waffle on here a lot then I relocated and….

Poof!

Where did I go!? In the internet connection abyss that’s where! Bugger you BT, bugger you and your stupid “meant to be students but are totally like, 27 years old” adverts SO hard…grrr. 

Well today I am mostly feeling like this lil bad boy – 

Someone give that kid a medal ( trust me,  go to the picture link…you will thank me unless you hate joy and laughter, then like, don’t!) , but yeah, today I iz mooooody! No idea why, just feeling awfully grumpy and tired….nothing a few sunny days won’t fix and a massive BBQ Baby but alas, summer is being a right filthy tease

Plus massive project at work and NO internet so not had much time to collect thoughts but have SO much to tell you all…so expect regular ranty posts asap. 

I promise, look I know I let you guys down but I am back now, this time for good!

Anyway back to work I go…whoot whoot Love you all muchos Xx

 

Today I Was Attacked By My Own shoes, and Other First World Problems.

Today started well. I got up late, and whilst frantically throwing on clothes that didn’t need ironing, I unexpectedly decided upon a fancy pair of shoes that  I had brought years ago, but had only recently been rediscovered whilst moving house. Abandoned and strewn carelessly at the back of my wardrobe, they seduced me away from my old reliable brown boots. In my excited haste I put these fabric treasures on my feet, fluffed my hair and arranged my music ( Cyndi Lauper and MIA coming into my ears) I then began my rush to the office. I was making good time and foolishly began feeling good about myself, hell yeah! floaty skit and heels, looking preeeetty darn good there shug. Suddenly  out of no where it began.  The heel carnage.

The vamparic shoes, in order to keep their brand new shoe like beauty, needed a sacrifice  and that fleshy gift had to be in their callus minds, the backs of my heels. 

The wankers. 

10 minutes away from work and neither half way up nor down, I had a choice to make. This choice I decided was work,and so on my tippy toes, critically balanced in a pair of navel wedges, I carefully hobbled to work using the mantra “it’s only pain”.

When I got to work bedraggled and battle scared, my co workers were amazing and provided plasters.

 

It was in the bathroom as I was cleaning my feet that I remembered why they had been at the back of the wardrobe in the first place. 

Thrown angrily and heartbroken one friday early morn as I hobbled in, numb from medicinal alcohol you understand ( no really, these shoes really are carnivorous) and swiftly forgotten about. Today they sort their revenge. 

The moral of this boring but mainly therapeutic blog post?

Just throw those fucking shoes away when you know they hurt no matter how pretty they are.

 

And now for a selection of the crazy ass things I found on the internet whilst I should of been sorting flat section.

Part one.

Seriously, am I witnessing a kitty rape? Should I call someone or is this like, you know, their “thang”?

 

Me to David, me too.

 

 

erm..

 

We all laugh now but we all know there is nothing more annoying then when a dildo over takes you.

 

 

Cats.

Art.

 

 

 

NOOOOOOO!

 

 

Ok that’s enough internet for now people, let go to the bed, can the last one out turn the lights off please? 

 

Night, night BBz BP xX

 

I’m Alive ( I’d ask For Refunds on Those Hits you ordered!)

Hello world! Yes, I am back. After a few weeks of frantic box packing and panic cleaning leading to eventual giving up and just resorting to black bin bag stuffing, I am finally in my new flat.

SO what have I been up to? Not much really, just getting into my new job and trying not to get run over, all whilst trying my very best not to purchase shoes.

Which has reminded me of this little ditty…Oh Tragique the memories!


Anyway thus far, only splurged on the Matalan £5 shoe sale. Yes, I epically failed and  brought several pairs of “work” shoes (reasons for buying shoes excuse #1263 ) but it’s ok…more shoes for same price as pair of actual shoes I normally buy, can’t be bad, right?…gulp.

Have been proactive and set up the entertainment system, and by entertainment system, I mean my mutha fucking sega maga drive with original game pads and games.

Thats’s right, I just wrote that.

It’s amazing and tonight it is world of illusion. If you don’t know or know of it and want to your heart filled with childhood memories, watch this bad boy –


Epic gaming a hoy! More to come peeps but for now I have to bond with a few “why didn’t I bin that when I had the chance?” Boxes.

Night night! BP xX

I Only Dun Got Me A New House And Wifey!

HURRAH!

After 3 weeks I finally have new place to call home. It felt like a long time coming but we’re finally there,whoot whoot!

The new place is a flat which I am sharing with the wonderful Beave, who I managed to press gang into moving in with me. Shes elated ( Honest)

Next on the list is the always joyful task of packing up my old flat.EEkk!

Which I am sure will go like all the other urgent things I have to do.

Rather than the organised pile of boxes I have been imagining. In other news the new job is going well, really liking it and I am getting to learn new stuff every day which is always good.  Can’t wait to actually be able to enjoy London. Thus far it’s been the metro, gumtree and spareroom experience!

Anyway I had better go and tackle the Everest that is my life in clutter.

Boo!

One Love, Bbz, BP xX

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels Part Two, This Time It’s Personal.

Not too long ago I posted this image on my facebook-

The model above is,  according to the social media grape vine, a new design used by the Swedish H&M ,where they have several sizes throughout the store ranging from size 14 ( the average size of most women it turns out) and under. Hurrah! I hear many of you cry ( mainly the average percentage of women who at last are being represented in high street stores) but I kid you not, there is a big old “boo- urns” to this story also

As some areas of the media have decided to get all health conscious and state that “normalising” this size promotes obesity.

Just no. Shut the fuck up, pack up your desk and feel free to dramatically slam the door behind your ass, because I am about to RANT and it isn’t going to be purdy…not that it needs to be, as my rants are independent rants who dress to please no man or woman.

So you’re telling me that an average sized model in high street stores is going to make a bunch of women run to Maccys D’s or whatever fast food joint is nearest ( and has a chair lift) and happily stuff their faces with as much saturated fat as possible? All because suddenly the style of shop mannequins have magically caught up with what women in society would LIKE to see reflected on the highstreet, rather than what is forced upon them? Seriously, I am going to have to list, YES LIST some of  reasons why that point is one big cluster fuck.

*breathe*

1. Do you think women are that stupid? No really? Are you honestly being that patronising about how our multitasking brains work?! Do you think that we walk around wearing peepers on all day not looking at AVERAGE sized women on the street?! Think about it you stupid dumb asses. Seeing larger sized women in the flesh all day, every day doesn’t make women turn obese, so why the hell would a shop mannequin do so?

2. You are aware you have just offended the largest group of women in the world?The size 14 and above? Look dude, in this fight you’re on your own. In fact I am going to hand you over to the lynch mob myself.

3. What part of AVERAGE don’t y0u understand?…more people realise they can wear clothes, more people buy clothes. Therefore more money in the pockets of companies.

4. Sooooooo, based on that *ahem* for use of a better word “logic” you’re telling me that the larger sized models promote unhealthy lifestyles and the tenny tiny size 0 models aren’t in anyway, shape or form increasing the rates of anorexia, eating disorders and low self esteem among women?

As is the head of the negative media in this story! Pff

In summary- younglings, oldings and lady like things in between, please, please, PLEASE ignore this bullshit. We get bombarded every single day with images and taunting telling us that we are not good enough, but what they never tell us is- NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR WHAT!? I work in marketing not in Hollywood, why the hell do I need to be a size zero? Shouldn’t a stay at home mother be, you know, looking after her children rather than having a panic attack that someone may see her in the street not looking like model? I don’t know about you but I prefer my surgeons to be operating on me rather than using the apparatus to apply lipstick as *shock* they look unattractive in their human fluid smeared scrubs. Seriously, think about it..who are these people and why the FOOK do we think they are right? They are obviously thick as pigs shit and have nothing bigger to worry about in their lives. Sorry for the excessive swearing but I am that bloody angry when it comes to this.

I think Tina Fey says it best –

And on that depressing note, PREGNANT Kim Kardashian was recently criticised for looking fat this week in the media. Yes, that happened. Who does she think she is getting fat when shes with child? slacker.

Basically, can the last woman on the planet we call Earth please turn the lights off?  The rest of us are going back to Venus, as this is bullshit.

Rant over.

Here endeth the lesson.

BP Xx

Happy Bloody Easter!

Happy Easter BBz,

I hope you are all having a bloody great Easter stuffing ones face with Easter eggs and roast dinners, be it with the family or on your lonesome! My Easter can pretty much be summed by this –

43 Things British People Know To Be True

And

Seriously, I am not a shots gal anymore…ouch!

Thus  far the house hunt is going well and I have some viewings in some really nice places this week, which if nothing comes from it at least it is progress from the original search of  vile box room followed by vile box room…I have broadened my area search but tightened my requirements and it’s really working! Basically own bathroom, nice double…not more than 6 people in the house..as trust me,  from experience it only goes horribly wrong when you have a lot of people using one kitchen. I don’t cope well with hunger. In fact Beave used to carry around an emergency snickers for times when hunger would strike, as I get that grumpy –

So I wouldn’t want to, you know, cause carnage because I couldn’t make a sandwich.  Hopefully by this time next week I will have great news about a new abode, until then I am just not going to worry about it. It will happen one way or another!

Am currently back in  Shrewsbury desperately trying to pack up my flat as I agreed to viewing on Tuesday…one problem…the bloody bank holiday, DRAT!..therefore can’t take things to tip..great! Not that my flat is a mess, it isn’t, but I wanted it to be perfect for my landlord so he got everything sorted asap. He’s  been bloody wicked with the move and everything and last thing I want is someone to turn up and see all my “unwanted” life laundry boxes in the flat. Oh well. To be fair I think everyone suffers from this affliction when trying to sort out their life with minimal time-

But it totally isn’t my fault this time ( honest)

The good news is I managed to get a cheap train ticket home…and first class too ..YES! Knowing my luck though the train will get cancelled or something but we will get there in the end.

Fingers crossed Peeps. Have a great day off tomorrow, I’m sure most of you will hangovers from hell!

Love love, BP Xx

Nobody Move.You May Scare It Away but..Is That The Sun In The Sky?!

You  firey orb like bastard, seriously, where have you been?

 

Look I get it, there is a lot of pressure on you all the time to you know, do your job. I understand that at times you feel under appreciated, such as you know, when you cause droughts, famine and when English people moan about it being “too hot, Brian, it’s too hot”  or when you do this to people-

 

but you know, we humans moan. It’s what we do for stress relief, we don’t mean it. We <3 you. Come back, and we can work through through our problems ok? I CAN CHANGE BABY, I CAN CHANGE! 

Basically, I will now never moan about it been too sunny or warm again. Promise. It’s not that I don’t appreciate getting my monies worth out of my thermals, I just want to be able to leave the house without the fear of frost bite affecting my nipples. Men, I know you hear me on this issue too.

Anyway, until you decide to return I am going to trust this guy, he’s says he knows a place-

 

Quick everyone in the van, follow that sheep…*roadtrip*

Anyway BB’z I am off to pack up my flat, and by “pack up my flat”  I mean, meet my friends in the pub.

Love love, BP Xx

LND Mayhem

So BP is in London making it even more fierce, and I mean more so than this –

Apologies for being so quiet as of late. I have a very early rise in the morning followed by a loooong commute. Then all my  free time is spent house hunting, which as you can imagine is as close to fun as you can get without actually having any fun! Thus far I have missed an  appointment to a dream room due to clamping of car ( only my boyfriend could achieve this on the one day it really mattered bless him) and then been refused a room in the nicest house ever as I had a boyfriend. Seriously..what do they think I would I do? Have filthy, naked, monkey like sexy time on the kitchen table whilst they ate breakfast?!

Anyway what have I been up too? Well this sums it up –

Living in London

As I have a little time before my beautiful bestie Beave gets back I will share my first part of “Rules of riding the tube”

Part One- 

Rule 1.

Always, ALWAYS get the metro or time out magazine when you can. There is nothing quite like staring at the same tube advertisement for STD checks or over 50’s vitamins for an hour to confirm why you must do this or dare break the eternal code of never looking at another passenger the eye…when in a severe rush and unable to grab a reading prop you can always repeat what I saw one girl do, and just stand staring at the door for 40 minutes with your back to the whole cabin the whole time. Now that’s dedication.

Rule 2.

Unlike the rest of the country, you’re allowed to be as big of a twat as you want on public transport, as it’s every man for themselves unless being a twat means walking really slowly or getting in my way. If that happens I don’t care who you are ( Rhianna)  I am pushing you outta my way, kapeesh?

Rule 3. 

Learn to breathe through your mouth. Just trust me on this one. There is BO and there is London tube BO.

Rule 4. 

Learn to expect the unexpected and pretend it’s perfectly normal.

Any how I hear the drunkard foot steps of my roomie stumbling up the stairs so that is all for now! Once sorted home wise I can finally share the magic that was Snowdon with you all and actual updates etc etc until then, if anyone has a house in Ealing they would like to give me, please send it my way!

Love you all long time BBz.

BP Xx

Oh BTW-